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The Laws

1. The Law of Exactness- Evidenced by the fact that if you miss a door by even a couple feet, you can't go in.


2. The Law of Pert plus with Conditioner- One is better than two.


3. The Explosion / Implosion Principle- For every "chablam" there is an equal and opposite "foomp".


4. The Law of Multiple Feet- When two people walk side by side and are witnessed from the side, it looks like one person has four legs.


5. The Law of Nothingness- If a machine gives no soda then it is empty, you didn't put the dollar in, or it is not a soda machine. (the same works with vending machines)


6. The Law of Exactness revisited- When going down stairs a near miss is not as good as a direct hit.


7. The Law of dnoceS dnaH cirtcelE yeknoD mottoB sretiB- Your mother was a retsmah and your father tlems of seirrebredle.


8. The Law of Carpe Mium- Veci, veni, vidi, ixnay onyay ethay atinlay.


9. The Law of Superphosphates- If one sticks guano and a live tazer up one's nose, one can produce multiple adenozineultraphosphate molecules in the cristae on one's mitochondria.


10. The Law of Heightened Intelectualness- The higher one goes up the smarter one becomes; this is evidenced by Mr. Parker's room being upstairs. Note: an exception is made when stupid people go to high places.


11. The Law of Oblivion- If you have no idea what people are talking about, join the conversation.


12. The Law of Subs- Not to be confused with the law of heroes, hoagies, and grinders.


13. The Law of Corruption- It is easier to spill milk, soda, etc. than to clean it up.


14. The Law of Absolutism- Pen marks on shirts and other clothing do not easily remove.


15. The Law of Spam Belatedness- Spam causes accidents in 49 of the 50 states and Canada.


16. The Law of Unusual Lengthening- Time lengthens massively when one is being taught something one already knows.


17. The Law of Infinite Energy- Expressed by those who don't need java to stay hyper all day. (Some people call this ADHD but who are you going to believe?)


18. The Law of the Supremacy of the Abnormally Inclined- Crazy people rule; this is evidenced by the fact that Mr. Welk rules.


19. The Law of Spam Belatedness revisited- Spam is the next energy level of matter after plasma. This property contributes to The law of Infinite Energy.


20. The Law of Futile Destruction- Besides ridding one of stress, beating one's head on a wall also rids one of brain cells and possibly blood and brain lubricant.


21. The Law of Wrong Hand Placement- If there is gum to put one's hand in, one will put one's hand in it.


22. The Law of Perturbation- People don't like it when one directs incoherent phrases at them continuously.


23. The Law of Ignorance- You cannot learn if you do not comprehend. This is evidenced by Eukanuba.


24. The Law of Redundancy- Only a few people can enjoy smashing themselves repeatedly on hard objects at high speeds.


25. The Law of Bad Nylon- No one looks good in Spandex, NO ONE!!!


26. The Law of Hard Things- If you don't know what it is, it's a rock.


27. The Law of Yuppism- If one doesn't belong to a group but it looks cool, one can pretend that one is involved in the group.


28. The Law of Tongue Holding- It is best not to speak if one's glasses outweigh one's brain.


29. The Law of Little Bigness- Although toes are small, they hurt a lot when they get mushed.


30. The Law of Visibility- The better the visibility the less one can see, yet you can see more if you don't look.


31. The Law of Descending Formulation- Laws get worse as their number increases; this is evidenced by numbers 25, 27, and 28.


32. The Law of Poisons- If one ingests a substance and proceeds to die, then the substance is probably a bad one and shouldn't be ingested.


33. The Law of Lactose Intolerance- One should not discriminate against lactose-containing products whether it be 1%, 2%, whole, skim, Vitamin D, or chocolate. All milks will have a better future. Milk unite!


34. The Law of Silence- One cannot read the "laws" aloud. This behavior will be punished by slapping with a rubber chicken.


35. The Law of Inevitable Pertinent Conditions- Everything will happen sometime, and something is always happening.


36. The Law of the Conservation of Spam- As spam is consumed in one place the same amount is produced instantaneously somewhere else. This explains the never ending supply of pink matter.


37. The Law of Temperate Sheaves- Moderate bunches of grain will change the climate on this sphere of minerals surrounded by gas, the center of which is heated very much. This is a very complicated law.


38. The Law of Predictable Intentions- Something that seems to be a good idea will cease to be a good idea once one does it.


39. The Law of Withheld Dreams- Without dreams sleep would be boring. Without work we would all be puny weaklings.


40. The Law of Consumption- Man cannot live on bagels and Pepsi alone. Cream cheese is also required.


41. The Law of Acute Displacement- Basically, a horizontally excellent person moving through a crowd of people creates a wake, like a boat.


42. The Law of Oblivion revisited- If one has no idea what one is talking about, congratulate oneself, and keep on keepin' on.


43. The Law of Eventual Ascending Formulation- After a certain point laws can only get better; this is evidenced by #'s .


44. The Law of Discreet Happenings- One knows very little about what actually happens around one and what one does know is flawed, incomplete, and possibly completely wrong. The opposite of this law is true for a select group of people.


45. The Law of Conflicting Bilingual Teachers- If two teachers tell one two different things, one should ignore both of them.


46. The law of Absurdity- The "laws" cannot end on an even number. They must end on a strange and out of wack number.


47. The Law of Previous Knowledge- I already know, and if I don't then I will get someone besides Sean to tell me.


48. The Law of Fuzziness- Carpet is better than vinyl. PERIOD.


49. The Law of Happy Endings- Even if more than 49 laws are made, the 49th law is always the last law. The End.


50. The Law of Singular Vocalization- Only "The Law of Silence" can be spoken.


51. The Law of Extended Misappropriation- One may borrow whatever one wants as long as one gives it back someday, maybe... if one feels like it.


52. The Law of Lipocannibalism- If one gets liposuction and the byproducts are used as lard, one has been cannibalized.


53. The Law of Inordinate Fragmentation- Sometimes there are chunks, sometimes there aren't.


54. The Law of Continuous Productivity- When productivity is being done, the bluescreen of death interrupts.


55. The Law of Aerospace Engineering- If it doesn't fly, give it a bigger engine.


56. The Law of Boundless Adhesion- Anything can be fixed using duct tape, bailing wire, and/or bubble gum.


57. The Law of Globular Companionship- When motating* to the restroom certain non-male humans require accompaniment. Exemptions can be made for certain females who happen to be secretarial typing persons. *motate- a Kenny word meaning "To get somewhere. To move."


58. The Law of the Temporary Absence of Color- Objects that happen to be white happen to attract colored liquids that happen to be polymers.


59. The Law of Stupid Jingles- If someone nearby you is muttering a stupid jingle, then it is imperative that you smack them over the head with a rusty coffee tin filled with radioactive corn. After you have done so you may join in their vociferation.


60. The Law of Discriminating Transients- One can be a bum, one can be choosy, but one cannot be a choosy bum. Russell is the paradox of this law. There is an open investigation on the subject of Russell's choosy buminess.


61. The Law of Non-Coveredness- The clothes make the man. Therefore, naked people have no effect over society.


62. The Law of Artificial Polymer Gluteous Maximal Support Devices- If a plastic chair is in the "Cave," one's gluteal unit will not, cannot, and does not fit smoothly into it my feet get sweaty and warm and stuff I don't where them eight I. (Note: This, like all laws, was dictated by Kenny to his typemaster.)


63. The Law of Nondysjunctional Protocells- H2O has stolen the plans for my helios, I don't want any cookies, they have the car top eaters, why do the spammers keep doing this version of bookie. Nah.


64. The Law of Incoherant Phrases- Blkaaahhggrrrrooooggggyyuuummmmmmyysstttopppnnneeekkkkjjjiiinnllleeewwwwwhhhiiiooo silver away!


65. The law of Hairimus Chinimus- If one grows extended follicles on ones lower facial unit one may use it as a combover when one loses ones upper cranial follicular growth.


66. The Law of Rose-Colored Multicellular Cell-Walled Organisms- A red fruit commonly referred to as a vegetable is neccesary for the pleasurable enjoyment of fried, starchy, sliced, round tubers.